A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
