I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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