In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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