I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
