By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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