He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
