so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
