If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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