I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
