Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize