He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
