I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
