I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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