I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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