I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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