so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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