It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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