I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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