Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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