I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
