Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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