Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
