I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
