Having a random hookup so left but love u
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
