I puked a lego.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize