I'm sorry my penis didn't work
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
