There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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