True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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