3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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