I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
