The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
