ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
