Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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