I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
