I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
