if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
