was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
