I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
