I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
