I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
