Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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