Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize