I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
