my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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