the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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