What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
