my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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