worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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