you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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