Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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