i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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