Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
