butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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