I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
