You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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