can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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