He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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