Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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