I molested 6 butterflies tonight
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
