We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
